• Look in the mirror and pick out one thing I like about what I see each day.

• Consider my own needs and wishes in every situation, even those in which I end up deciding to put the other person first.

• Say “no” when I need to say “no”, even if that’s disappointing to someone else.

• Remember that my imperfections don’t reduce my worth.

• Treat an urge to binge or to restrict as a signal that something’s bothering me and I need to figure out what it is and attend to it in some way.

• Give some energy each day to something I care about that has nothing to do with weight.

• Ban the use of verbal abuse when speaking of myself.

• Give myself credit for one thing I do well and/or feel proud of (unrelated to food or weight) each day.

• Do my best to remember that recovery isn’t a straight–line process; slips and even relapse are a respectable part of a learning curve.

• Find a new way each day to remind myself that my weight has nothing to do with my worth.

My very best wishes for a happy, healthy New Year!

Susan

This is a second post addressing people who have learned to feel wary and possibly avoidant of close relationships. You might not be surprised to learn this is an extremely common experience among people with eating disorders. One allure of food and/or dieting is that they can seem more reliable than people. If this is true in your internal world, finding your way to more solid ground when it comes to other people will be an important part of a strong recovery for you.

In my earlier post I discuss relationship “maps,” unconscious internal guides that tell us what to expect from others, based on childhood experience. If, for example, your experiences were frightening or disappointing, exploitive or without affection, at least a part of you will anticipate being frightened, let down, exploited or unloved in adult relationships. Unfortunately, when either your conscious or unconscious mind expects certain outcomes with people, you can be stunningly accurate in finding people who match those expectations. Or you might only notice when someone matches a threatening expectation, ignoring or discounting all the times they behave in more positive ways.

Changing the pattern

Relationship beliefs and patterns that make others seem dangerous and/or perpetually disappointing are difficult to change, partly because they operate so automatically and unconsciously and, even more so, because there is so much threat and self–protection associated with them. Three big jobs await you if you choose to challenge these patterns in your own life:

• Achieving awareness If your internal relationship map habitually warns you that others are dangerous or disappointing, it’s time to stop and take a good, long look. It may feel hard—and risky— to believe, but the problem is in your map, not other people in general. Your first and biggest job is to discover that people in general didn’t teach you to be mistrustful; your personal history did. This awareness is the key to all the other changes that follow.

• Challenging beliefs and perceptions Your second big job is to challenge the false alarms and misguided perceptions inherent in a map made faulty by relationship trauma. Your unconscious mind, in an abundance of caution, has taken the position of expecting a repeat of your worst relationship wounding. As an unintended result, it leads you to select people who reinforce your fears or to notice selectively; that is, to only see that which matches your beliefs. Or to misconstrue what you actually see, perceiving menace or bad faith where there is none.

• Changing automatic behavior Your third big job is to change habitual interaction patterns that only serve to prove your frightened and pessimistic expectations of others. Perhaps you’ve heard the story of the guy whose tire blew out on a country road? He decides to try to borrow a jack at the farmhouse he passed earlier, but on the way he convinces himself of how unhelpful and uncaring people are. By the time the unwitting farmer answers the door, our driver shouts furiously, “So keep your darn jack!”  This teaching tale represents just one of many ways our fear­–driven behavior can become self–fulfilling prophecy. The first tragedy is to be wounded in our earliest relationships; the second is to perpetuate the wounding through our own behavior in adult life.

Updating a faulty map

The most reliable way to change a relationship map that regularly sends you false alarms is within a safe, reliable relationship such as you find in therapy or a therapy group. This is easy to say, but takes a lot of grit and courage to do. It’s not like the fears go away just because the setting or people mean to be safe. And even people who mean to be safe make mistakes or inadvertently step on tender toes. But this is precisely where the map revisions and healing can come from.

Increasingly, the therapy world is focusing on how to be helpful with early relationship trauma. Examples of therapy approaches that put relationship healing front and center include interpersonal analysis, interpersonal therapy (IPT), AEDP, and many of the trauma therapies. If you are interviewing a therapist, you should ask how he or she works on treating relationship trauma and see if the response makes sense to you.

It always amazes me when people who have suffered considerably in early relationships somehow manage to “let the right one in.” Against the odds they choose people who don’t reinforce the old expectations, who are loving, devoted and affirming. Also against the odds, this traumatized person tolerates inevitable missteps in the other and endures the terrible fear that it’s all a mirage or will inevitably be taken away. If a person can stay long enough in such a relationship, the old map begins to shift to take account of the new reality.

Of course, the other part of map updating, whether through therapy or other healing relationships, is the revision of your image of yourself. Learning that you can cope with relationship letdowns that were too hard when you were a kid makes a lot more risk–taking possible.

Changing a relationship map that’s based on trauma is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. And it always takes longer than you think it should or that you think you can stand. But it will also have the biggest payoff in the rewards and nourishment you can let into your life and the sense of confidence you’ll have in yourself.

My warmest wishes to you in this and all else you seek to accomplish in the coming year!

Susan

• You are so frightened of being rejected, you can’t allow anyone to know you well.
• You are so frightened of being let down, you can’t allow yourself to rely on anyone.
• You learned long ago that your needs will be ignored, denigrated, or experienced as too much by others, so you’ve taught yourself not to need or want anything from anyone.
• You are highly suspicious of others’ motives toward you and frequently interpret what they are saying or feeling in relation to you in a negative light; for example, you might regularly think people are trying to take advantage of you, or are ridiculing you, or are not taking you into account.
• People frequently accuse you of being “oversensitive”.
• If someone you care for says or does something that seems insensitive, they can suddenly feel like your enemy.
• Though you want a relationship, in the end the risks feel like they outweigh the possible rewards.

Nobody is born with beliefs and fears like these. They are the result of what we call relational trauma; that is, when those you relied on in childhood for ongoing care were hurtful, frightening or not there enough. An adult can withstand  running into experiences like these. Ideally hurtful or unsupportive people are weeded out and healthier others are chosen. Let’s look at how it’s different for children and why it has such an enduring impact.

Your “internal map” of relationships

We don’t enter the world with any expectations of what it’s like to be with other people. We build these expectations bit by bit from our daily experiences with caregivers. Eventually, repeated experience takes root as an unconscious “map” that tells us how experiences with other humans are likely to go. Later, experiences with peers and outside authority can reinforce or modify the map. If we’ve had enough support and affirmation for who we are and what we need as kids, we generally grow into adults who expect relationships to be rewarding and who don’t take it personally when they aren’t.

Of course, many people aren’t so lucky. If you have only a few weak spots in the map, you can still get enough from relationships to make them seem worthwhile. I reserve the term trauma for experiences that were truly overwhelming. Traumatized, overwhelmed little people tend to grow into adults who can easily be overwhelmed by relationship adversities.

The dependency effect

Why do early relationship failures pack such a wallop? We start life full of needs. We also start life in a helpless state and are completely dependent on caregivers—usually parents—to meet our needs. The key to how failures of caregiving can be traumatizing to little people is this state of dependency. The fact that infants and young children can neither meet their own needs nor protect themselves from harm makes the quality of caregiving a matter of survival. Our brains are programmed through evolution to pay very close attention to anything related to survival. Since the caretaker relationship is experienced through the lens of survival, failures in the caretaker relationship can be felt as life­–threatening. If only it were possible for a small mind to know that if things aren’t so hot now, better times might lie ahead. But for infants and small children, the caretaker relationship is the world, so lessons learned are installed as if they apply to everyone and for all time.

The amygdala effect

Deep in our brain’s is a tiny part called the amygdala. (Great name, right?) Among the many jobs of the amygdala is to keep track of anything that has ever been threatening to us. The amygdala is part of our archaic survival system, one we share with other species. When the amygdala encounters anything in the present that once threatened or overwhelmed us, something we never got the better of, it throws an internal alarm. That’s the famous alarm that sends us into fight, flight or freeze. The amygdala is extra cautious, too. It doesn’t have to perceive an exact replica of that old threat. The current threat may only need to resemble the original. For instance, if you were relentlessly criticized and made to feel inadequate as a kid, somebody merely disagreeing with you in the present may feel unbearably threatening.

Adult relationships

Though we grow out of our childhood state of dependency, we never lose our need for others we can rely on, people we can turn to for affirmation, acceptance and caring. We  are hard–wired as humans to seek these kinds of connections. They feel vital to our sense of well–being. But if your relational map is trauma–coded, you are being warned away from relationships with the same or greater urgency as you are being moved toward them. It can feel like an irresolvable dilemma.

The good news is that even if you are terrified of relationships now, you can learn to feel safe with others. You can update that relationship map and can learn skills that will help you master situations that feel threatening. Please join me in my next post when I’ll go over how people do that.

Warm regards,

Susan

My warmest regards for a happy and rewarding holiday season,

Susan

The Five Top Holiday Eating Disorder Traps and How to Outwit Them

The holidays are here! There can be lots to look forward to. But there are also many potential snares to the season that can spoil your good time and make you long for January 2nd. People with eating disorders can be especially vulnerable, and not just because of all that fabulous food. Before you decide to just give up and go into hibernation for the season, I offer these recovery–friendly strategies for the five most common seasonal pitfalls.

1. Exposure to Triggering Foods and Alcohol

Did you know humans are hard–wired to respond to great–looking or novel food with an increase in appetite? If you have an eating disorder, your desire for food has become a battleground of will over nature. You imagine your very worth is determined by your ability to exert control over impulses to eat. The holiday table can ratchet up day–to–day struggles for control to another level. Add alcohol—famous for lowering inhibitions—and food urges can roll right over will. Here are some ways to face the challenge head–on so you don’t have to hide until the New Year:

• Plan ahead Trying to strategize in the heat of the moment is too hard for most of us. Make some decisions ahead of time about how you want to handle food and alcohol at a holiday event. For example, you might decide to take one pass at the goodies and then turn your attention elsewhere. If you’re working with a therapist or nutritionist, ask them to help you with your plan, including any landmines that could throw you off course.
• Visualize Picture yourself carrying out your plan, including managing pitfalls. Repeat, with corrections, until you can imagine all of it comfortably. This kind of rehearsal can really ramp up your chances of success.
• Avoid the temptation to diet! Dieting, a questionable practice at best, is a predictable trigger for eating disordered behavior, thinking and feelings. If your plan is to skip meals the day of the party, fast away a few pounds between events, or start the Lettuce Diet on January 1st, you’re setting in motion a vicious cycle that’s bound to land you in eating disorder territory.

2. Family Gatherings

Family gatherings can be all about showing the love. But, too often, old wounds, rivalries or tensions surface right along with the eggnog. Did you learn to cope by turning to eating disorder behaviors? Do your ED symptoms offer you distraction? Soothing? Relief? Self–punishment? Secret revenge? You probably can’t resolve all the old family fault lines or stop Aunt Cora from commenting on your weight before the next get–together. However, you can use family landmines as opportunities to practice healthy recovery skills. You can:

• Stay aware Paying attention to what you’re feeling gives you the chance to choose how you respond to others rather than acting on impulse or out of old, engrained patterns. If you stay tuned in to what you’re feeling and why, you’re less likely to suddenly find yourself engaging in eating disordered behavior to cope.
• Set limits People with eating disorders often having difficulty believing their own needs, feelings or rights matter. It’s hard to say “no” or “enough” when others intrude or push you in a direction you don’t want to go. Rather than tolerate the potential conflict, you restrict, binge or purge. This holiday, zero in on a predictable intrusion: Mom always insists you have two pieces of her pumpkin pie, your brother regularly chooses a moment of group silence to ask about your love life, or cousin Pete wonders if you’ve put on a few pounds. Now, pick a small limit–setting goal. Practice ahead what you’d like to do or say. Make sure your practice includes being able to reassure yourself inside if the other person is ruffled by your show of self–confidence.
• Manage conflict In ED recovery you may be learning how to stay in conflict until you can arrive at a healthy resolution. But your family holiday gathering may not be the place for this particular practice. Just because your sister is determined to duke it out, you have every right to defer the conversation to a more suitable time. Neither do you need to be drawn in to other people’s disputes, even if that’s what your family expects of you. For the petty stuff that doesn’t call for a day in court, there’s always the option of diversion (“How ’bout those Mets??”)

3. Holiday Parties

Distress for party–goers with eating disorders usually focuses on personal appearance and/or socializing. Self–doubt related to either may lead you to avoid parties altogether or to turn to eating disordered behaviors to cope. Here are some healthier, happier ways to manage:

• Take a different stance with your appearance When you take a too–­critical eye to your body, you are likely to end up with an obsessive focus on what  you find wrong—which in turn kills any potential fun you might have at a social gathering. Starting well before the big event, commit to focusing instead on things you dolike about yourself and your appearance. Do you have great hair? Strong arms? Are you a good story–teller? An insightful listener? You need a list and you need to return to it every time you find yourself fretting about your appearance—before, during and after the party.
• Soothe yourself when you socialize Fears about making small talk, meeting strangers, being focused on, being excluded or rejected can all create party–going nightmares. This isn’t exclusive to people with eating disorders, of course. It’s just that if you have one, you’re more likely to turn to your symptoms to help you through. Instead, start by using that list of positive qualities in yourself (see above) to boost your confidence. Enter the event focusing on examples of you comfortably enjoying yourself with others (Your best friend? Your sister? A co–worker?)  Ask your hostess to help make introductions. And, remember, you don’t have to have Dorothy Parker’s wit to start a conversation. Most people are at least a little uncomfortable at these events and will be grateful if you make an effort, or respond to theirs.

4. Loneliness and Disappointment

The holidays often just shine a harsher light on chronic loneliness. The season can generate expectations that dissolve into disappointment (the friends or family that didn’t come through, the New Year’s Eve date that didn’t materialize, the magic that seemed to visit everyone but you).  Loneliness and disappointment are difficult feelings for anyone to manage. If you have an eating disorder, almost by definition, you have difficulty managing uncomfortable emotions. Here are a few practices to help ydeal:

• Review your assumptions Be skeptical if you’re tempted to believe loneliness or isolation mean you’re unlovable. They’re more likely to mean you’ve been too scared to connect significantly—something you can work on!
• Reach out Do something pro–active and constructive. It’s likely to shift your emotional state. Host a potluck for other friends and acquaintances whose holiday plans are meager. Volunteer. Take a small holiday offering to your neighbors. Join a choir or small theatre group. There’s a world of other humans out there ready to embrace your efforts.
• Be willing to learn how to comfort and soothe yourself . . . even if part of you is screaming you’re entitled to have somebody else do the job. Remember, it has nothing to do with entitlement; you’re entitled to feel better!!

5. Perfectionism

If you have an eating disorder, you are likely to believe that when your efforts—weight­­–related and otherwise—fall short of the mark, you are a failure and therefore worthless. The holidays can crank perfectionistic expectations of yourself up to full throttle: you must buy the perfect gift, wrap it perfectly, throw the perfect party, make the perfect dessert, and so on endlessly. What should be a time of joy becomes a series of joyless tests. Failing marks spoil your enjoyment, undermine your self–worth—and trigger eating disorder symptoms. Here are some things you can do to help tame your perfectionistic monster:

• Change your frame of reference How would you judge a loved friend if she or he had the same experience you’re judging so harshly in yourself? What would that friend say to you about your supposed failure? Would she or he think less of you?
• Find models to emulate If you’re going to compare yourself to others, choose people you admire who aren’t so hard on themselves for being imperfect. Take notes! Here’s an instance where copying is a great idea.
• Cultivate self–acceptance You may not be able to stop those self–critical thoughts from popping up. But you can make a choice to send them packing when they do! This is a great practice to work on. It recognizes the truth that imperfection doesn’t make you worthless, just human.

All of the strategies I’ve just suggested actually represent recovery skills you need year–round. By practicing them now, you’ll not only make the current season brighter, you’ll be building your resilience for the challenges of the coming year. Happy Holidays!

Resources come in two forms: external and internal. External resources are all those things outside yourself that have a calming or centering effect on you. External resources  can include people, places (your room, a park, a church, a favorite street…), pets or other animals, objects (a stuffed animal, something from nature, like a stone, Grandma’s locket… ) or activities (walking, reading, gardening, journaling, listening to music…). What serves as a resource for someone else might not help you. Or what helps you in one situation might not be the right thing for another situation. You have to be able to tune in to your own feelings and trust what you experience to discover what resources help you the most.

Internal resources are those you evoke inside your mind, using your ability to remember or imagine. Internal resources can be anything you’d use as an external resource, only you experience them inside your mind rather than in real time outside yourself. Internal resources have the valuable extra dimension of including experiences that never were and don’t have to be realistically possible to have the desired effect. Maybe that’s creating your own planet, or a made–up landscape, or feeling the presence of a nurturing person who always gets you, or being cradled or held in a way that feels just right. There are no limits to the internal resources you can develop. You only need to know you need or desire them and they are yours for the asking, anytime, anywhere.

If you’ve  lived through an eating disorder you may be surprised to find internal resourcing can be an effective way to calm, soothe or ground yourself. You may even be outright skeptical or disbelieving. After all, during your eating disorder you put all your faith in the external experiences of food or dieting as the way to achieve these ends.  A number of people who have suffered from an eating disorder feel resistant to working on developing internal resources. Besides not trusting that they can become effective in doing so, I think many people are unconsciously still waiting for the external care they may have missed in childhood to show up and make them feel better. It’s an understandable longing, but I always feel sad when I see people get stuck there since it postpones the development of real capacities that can make them feel better.

Which is better, external or internal resources? I think to be really healthy and resilient as human beings, we all need a balance of the two. Using resources is something that you just get better at with practice. And you can never have too many. Lining up an optimal array of resources is a lifetime journey for all of us. Now is a perfect time to get started!

Warmest wishes,

Susan

In 2006, after several tragic deaths among models, the industry in neighboring Spain specified that in order for models to participate in the Madrid fashion week shows, they must demonstrate a BMI (body mass index) of at least 18. This roughly means a 5’8 model must weigh at least 120 pounds. Though the BMI is controversial as a way to measure health related to weight, at least the Spanish industry—along with the Spanish government— was saying “Enough!”

The Italian industry took notice. In 2007, Italy’s Chamber of Fashion proposed a licensing procedure for models. The proposal has resulted in a “self–regulating code of ethics” for the industry that requires a BMI of 18.5 in order for a model to be allowed on the fashion week runway and bans models younger than 16 years.

That same year the nude photo of an emaciated model, Isabelle Caro, appeared on a billboard in Rome with the caption “No Anorexia”. The shocking image was intended as yet another wake–up call. Yet within three years Caro — who posed to help others — was dead from the effects of starvation.

Did Caro’s final warning have an impact her brave billboard did not? As the Italians would say, the answer is “mezza–mezza.” The 2010 Milan shows refreshingly  introduced some curvy models said to look more like normal women. Yet last month, just a year after Caro’s death, Milan fashion week attendees were posting in dismay about skin–and–bones models again on the runway.

The usual assortment of bad guys can be found to explain why it’s so hard to promote health on the runway: people who can make a buck from showing clothes on starving women or just prefer a gaunt esthetic, no matter what the cost to models or the people who want to emulate them. But there are also good guys who genuinely care about the well–being of models and those they influence. My soon–to–be hosts, the Italians, offer a fine example: Elena Miroglio, on behalf of her fashion house, Elena Mirò, was awarded the insignia of Cavaliere della Repubblica (Order of Merit of the Italian Republic) in 2007 based on the group’s fashion show featuring size 14-plus women on the catwalk. The president of Italy cited Miroglio for “emancipating women from a constrictive concept of beauty.” The Miroglio Group carries several lines of “”curvy size” clothing brands. This year the group hosted the casting sessions for Ciao Magre’, the first agency in Italy to specialize in “shapely size” models. I have to say “Brava!”

Warmest wishes until I return,

Susan

How does control become such an all–consuming — you’ll pardon the term — issue to people with eating disorders? It probably won’t surprise you if I say it goes back to experiences you had growing up. Here are some of the more common scenarios that set the stage for control issues later in life:

• Authoritarian families When control is enforced from the outside rather than cultivated from within, struggles over who’s the boss of me? often take on disguised forms, like an eating disorder.
• Families that are preoccupied with issues of control When parents are anxiously focused on issues of control in their own lives, it is bound to get passed along to their kids.
• Perfectionistic families When the bar for what is acceptable is set at perfection, anything less feels being out of control.
• Chaotic families In families where no one is predictably in charge—for instance, due to alcohol or substance abuse — life really can be scary and it can feel like control is the only thing that matters.
• Early trauma, such as catastrophic loss, abuse, neglect, or peer trauma. Trauma implies being overwhelmed, lacking sufficient support to protect you from the overwhelm, and helplessness to protect yourself from it. Being in control feels like the only way to avoid the unbearable feelings of overwhelm.

Okay, let’s say you identify with one or more of these scenarios. But what does this have to do with an eating disorder? Part of the genius of an eating disorder is that it seems to help you solve life issues that otherwise threaten to get the better of you. (Notice I said “seems ”.) When it comes to control, the genius ED move is to reduce the universe of what must be controlled down to weight and eating. If you stick to your current diet, or eat little to nothing, all’s right with the world. Ditto if you stay below a certain weight. And maintaining a certain level of discipline about exercise doesn’t hurt. In other words, sticking to the standards dictated by your eating disorder provides a false sense of being in control. Of course, if you’re in recovery you’ve discovered the giant paradox that the more you are run by your eating disorder, the more out–of–control you actually are.

If the paradox of an eating disorder is that it takes you out of control in the name of being in control, the paradox of recovery is that you need to accept lack of control in order to feel more in control.

How can that be? First of all, accepting lack of control means recognizing that life is big and complex and full of surprises. This is what John Lennon famously captured when he said: “Life is what happens while you’re making other plans.”  Frankly, to control everything would be to take the life out of it.

So what can you do if you’re terrified of not being in control, yet lack of control is a fundamental part of living? Your ”growth edge” in recovery is to reduce feelings of threat associated with situations where you lack control and to begin to build your sense of confidence about them. Confidence comes from discovering your capacity to figure things out, to stick with it when you’re uncertain, to develop new skills where they’re needed, to ask for help or support when necessary, and so forth. It requires knowing that not knowing is not shameful and learning is always an option. When you feel safer, curiosity can replace the sense of threat. Situations where you lack control can be invitations to growth. Ruling in the world of calories becomes less important and less interesting. Of course, gaining this kind of confidence can take a long time, but the freedom you gain for the rest of your life is well worth it.

Warm regards

Susan

1. have and express your own needs (see “Having Needs of Your Own in Eating Disorder Recovery, Parts I & II”)
2. comfortably be who you are, just as you are (appearance, personality, assets and liabilities, and so forth)

No one can confer these important entitlements upon you. Part of recovery will include learning to give them to yourself.

In my last post I invited you to start exploring your personal rules for entitlement. Exactly what do I mean by “rules”? Rules in this sense are guidelines—often unconscious—for how you should respond and what you believe you are allowed in certain situations. Social consensus only accounts for some of these guidelines. The rest are remnants of your personal history. They usually include conclusions drawn from your particular experiences plus the ways you adapted to them. For example, if your natural exuberance annoyed one or both of your parents, you may have learned you are too much as you are and to squelch your appetites and instincts.

Reward and Shame

Reward and shame are powerful shapers of beliefs about personal entitlement. Maybe you were praised or got attention when you took care of a caretaker, but ignored when it came to your own needs.  You probably feel most confident and worthy when you focus on others, but become anxious, uncomfortable, even guilty about focusing on yourself.

Caretakers are the most obvious sources of experiences about entitlement. But peer responses, especially in adolescence when you first are focusing hard on how to make your way in the social world outside your family, can have major impact on beliefs about how a person gets accepted or rejected. At least half the women I treat for eating disorders experienced some kind of peer trauma as teens, resulting in or reinforcing sharp restrictions on how they think they can act, look or even think, and still be accepted by others.

Modeling of Caretakers

A caretaker who can’t treat his or her own needs as important makes an indelible mark on  entitlement learning. This seems to be especially true for the caretaker of the same sex as you. A mother who can ask for nothing for herself makes it very hard for a daughter to feel entitled to more.

Identifying Unconscious Rules

When you experience anxiety, guilt, shame or any other sense of discomfort in relation to your own needs, wishes, desires or preferences, this is a sure sign you’ve bumped up against a restrictive entitlement rule. Sometimes the threat associated with such feelings is so great, it’s caused even the feelings to go underground. I often run across people with entitlement issues who can’t even risk knowing they have preferences. Or who believe they honestly would always rather do what the other person wants. In these instances, you recognize entitlement problems by a consistent pattern of behavior. (I believe these one–sided patterns can only go on so long before resentment starts to seep in and corrode a relationship. This is the source of a lot of what we call passive–aggressive behavior, when the doer can’t risk knowing or expressing anger more directly.)

It’s common to project limiting rules of entitlement onto others, meaning you believe other people view the limits of your entitlement in the same way you do. If you project your rules, you will experience other people as potentially dangerous, as if you are still as vulnerable as you were with your caretakers as a kid. Others’ opinions can feel way too powerful if seen from a kid’s eye view where rejection and disapproval can be disastrous.

Expanding Your Range of Entitlement

Let’s go back to the exercise I offered in my last post. Remember to honor your felt sense of what you can do without being triggered or overwhelmed. Start with whatever you filled in for yourself for each sentence.

I have to be thin to be entitled to _________________________.  (wear a bathing suit; wear a short skirt, dance in public, eat an ice cream cone in public, get my way, get angry…)

I have to ____________________________ to be entitled to eat. (lose 10 pounds, run 5 miles, skip a meal, be perfect…)

I have to (be) __________________________ to be entitled to __________________.

For each statement, try to come up with the following substitution: I prefer to believe_______________________________.

For example, if you believe: I have to lose 10 pounds to be entitled to eat, you might decide you prefer to believe: I deserve to treat my body with respect and care whatever my weight or I deserve to take up space, or My weight doesn’t determine my worth or entitlement to anything.

Sometimes a preferred belief can seem unrealistic or unattainable. If so, you might try one or more of the following steps and notice if you feel a little closer:

• Think of someone you know and admire who is not model slim but eats with enjoyment and treats her body with respect.
• Consider what makes you think of other people as worthwhile that has nothing to do with their weight.
• Think of situations in which you have felt others responding to you as a worthwhile person that had nothing to do with your weight.
• Try to imagine just for a moment that your weight and your worth are two entirely separate things.

In the opening paragraph of this post I said that recovery involves learning to entitle yourself. A better model still might be found in the Cowardly Lion and the Tin Woodsman from the “Wizard of Oz.” In the end Oz reveals to the two seekers that they already possess the qualities they are asking him to confer. They have only failed to recognize them! So I invite you to imagine that the entitlement to validate your own needs and wishes and to be who you most truly are as you are is already there for the taking.

Warmest wishes as you continue in recovery,

Susan

Wise Words is on vacation this weekend. Be sure to check back in two weeks for my second post on Entitlement in Eating Disorder Recovery.

Meanwhile, wishing you all a refreshing break as we honor the nation’s labor force, wind down the summer and head into fall.

Warm regards,

Susan

]]> http://susanschulherr.com/eating_disorder_recovery_blog/2011/09/labor-day-break-2/feed/ 0 http://susanschulherr.com/eating_disorder_recovery_blog/2011/08/entitlement-in-eating-disorder-recovery/ http://susanschulherr.com/eating_disorder_recovery_blog/2011/08/entitlement-in-eating-disorder-recovery/#comments Fri, 19 Aug 2011 14:34:25 +0000 Susan http://susanschulherr.com/eating_disorder_recovery_blog/?p=309 Most of the eating disordered people I know have rigid rules about what they are or aren’t entitled to and under what conditions. The most common entitlement rule is:  I have to be thin to be entitled to eat. Sound familiar? Some people hold themselves to variants like I have to be thin to be entitled to eat in public.

Sometimes these rules are conscious, sometimes not. Either way, they interfere with healthy recovery. They affect not only your eating practices, but also your self–esteem. What are your entitlement rules? You can use the following examples to jump–start your thinking:

I have to be thin to be entitled to _________________________. (wear a bathing suit; wear a short skirt, dance in public, eat an ice cream cone in public, get my way, get angry…)

I have to  ____________________________ to be entitled to eat. (lose 10 pounds, run 5 miles, skip a meal, be perfect…)

I have to  __________________________ to be entitled to

_____________________________.

Join me next time to talk about how entitlement rules get to be part of an eating disorder and what you can do to free yourself from their negative effects.

Until then, enjoy these last weeks of summer!

Warmly,

Susan