In my last post, “Developing the Skills of Intimate Relating in Eating Disorder Recovery, Part I” (June 4, 2010), I identified three capacities you need in order to have true intimacy with other people: 1) healthy boundaries; 2) confidence about being known and being vulnerable; and 3) a sense of security that comes from inside. In this post I focus on recognizing and achieving healthy boundaries. In my next two posts I discuss the second and third capacities necessary for intimacy.
Boundary–making is drawing the line between yourself and another, a line that defines you as a separate person with your own distinct thoughts, opinions, feelings, needs and desires. Boundary–making includes claiming your body and personal space as your own. Implicit in boundary–making is your understanding that you have a right to have your separateness respected.
Why do I start with separateness as a quality necessary for closeness? When you don’t know yourself as a separate person or respect your right to separateness, you become a sitting duck for boundary invasions. You are vulnerable to being bullied, intimidated, controlled, chronically disrespected, discounted, taken for granted, intruded upon, or physically violated. None of these experiences is good for self–esteem. The presence of any of them make relationships a place where you could lose yourself, feel undervalued or be exploited—all understandable reasons for fearing or avoiding closeness.
Examples of boundary invasions include when another person:
- Assumes they know your mind or your wishes without asking
- Speaks for you, interrupts, finishes your sentences
- Betrays your confidences
- Confides in you inappropriately (for instance, a parent confiding in a child about the relationship with the other parent)
- Acts as if your opinions or wishes don’t matter
- Reads your diary, mail, journals or other private matter without permission
- Enters your private space without asking
- Touches you without permission
- Comments on your body weight, size or shape
You may repeat patterns of boundary invasion learned in childhood by picking other people who don’t respect boundaries. This path leaves you robbed of intimacy because it’s impossible to have real intimacy when the person you’re with doesn’t respect you. In such a situation, the problem is boundaries that are too porous for healthy intimacy.
On the other hand, even if the other person is respectful of boundaries, your fear of boundary violation might be so great that it feels too risky to take a chance. You maintain your territorial integrity by keeping others out; in other words, at the expense of intimacy. In this case, the problem is boundaries that are too rigid for healthy intimacy.
Porous Boundaries
When you have learned to expect boundary invasions, it can feel very scary to start asking for boundary respect. You may feel you aren’t entitled. You might fear that the other person will be hurt, become angry or ignore you, even abandon you. Maybe you simply don’t know where to start.
When a new behavior pattern like boundary–setting feels too unfamiliar or scary, it’s usually a good idea to:
- Look for models: Notice people who already behave in ways you’d like to learn when it comes to respecting their own boundaries and asking others to do the same. Notice who and what seems effective and what would be consistent with your own personal style.
- Start small: Try something that feels like a manageable stretch. Having it out with your dad about weight remarks may seem too daunting right now. But maybe it feels okay to tell your friend who loves to call you at all hours that you’re working on getting more sleep, so you’ll be turning off the ringer on your phone at 11:00PM.
- Pick a person you trust to practice with: Try first with somebody you’re pretty sure will respond well. Maybe that’s your best friend, your sister, someone in a therapy group or community in which you participate.
- Rehearse: Don’t try to think of what you want to say or do on the spot. This could be too difficult if you’re nervous. Go over what you’d like to accomplish and how you’d like to put it. Think of possible responses you could get and how you’d like to handle them. If you have someone to role play with, all the better!
Rigid Boundaries
The opposite pole of boundary problems is having boundaries that are too rigid. Opening up too–rigid boundaries can feel even more frightening than setting limits where boundaries are too porous. If you’ve clamped down to the point that no one can get in, it’s for a reason. You’ve been hurt, betrayed or disrespected by people you relied on. If your boundaries are too rigid to allow closeness to others, the most important healing tasks for you will be:
- Gaining confidence that you can figure out who is safe to let in and who is not
- Taking risks with letting others in more
Flexing up boundaries that are too rigid leads us right into the second capacity needed for intimacy: being known and being vulnerable. Be sure to check back in two weeks for my posting, “Managing Vulnerability,” where I’ll describe ways to build this capacity.
