Mahatama Ghandi, leader of India’s fight for independence, famously said: “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” You don’t have to be seeking national liberation to use this inspirational advice. In fact, you can apply it in your home.
Whether or not you still live with your parents and siblings, family interactions can support or undermine your recovery. We’d all like it if we could just put notes in a family suggestion box when we want things to be different. Family members would read our notes and make the changes we want. I don’t know about you, but my family never got that memo. If we want things to change, we often have to be the first to set the example.
Here are five problems that commonly occur in families during eating disorder recovery, followed by examples of how you can “be the change” you want:
Problem 1: Boundary violations
Boundary violations are behaviors or interactions in which someone fails to honor your personal space, your separateness as an individual, your right to your personal point of view or your entitlement to direct your own behavior (depending upon your age).
“Be the change” solutions:
No matter what others are doing, you can honor personal boundaries. For instance you can refrain from interrupting, finishing someone else’s sentences or assuming you can read the other person’s mind. You can reach out for and respect differing points of view while holding onto your own. You can honor appropriate secrets and privacy. All of these behaviors will make your requests for similar treatment more powerful.
Problem 2: Making your eating disorder the center of family life
This is what happens when most other family activities get dropped or diminished to focus on your eating disorder. (This is normal at the beginning, but should shift as your recovery progresses.)
“Be the change” solutions:
You can start by making sure that as your recovery gets some footing, you include interests and activities in your life that have nothing to do with your eating disorder. You can talk to your family about your other interests or include them in some way. This will let them know that there’s more to you than your eating disorder.
Problem 3: Fighting for control of your symptoms
When someone else tries to police your eating disorder behavior, you aren’t getting better. The effort shifts from your recovery to who’s the boss of you.
“Be the change” solutions:
You can take the wind out of the sails of a control struggle by refusing to engage in it. You can state clearly to your family that you assume ownership of your symptoms and you take responsibility for their consequences to others. (Of course, all bets are off if you’re engaging in life– threatening behavior or actions that are destructive to others.) You’ll want to pay attention to your behavior to make sure you’re not doing things that invite other family members to try to take control.
Problem 4: Expecting instant change
Sometimes out of not knowing, often out of worry and feeling helpless, family members want you to get better now. This can show up as hovering, blaming, impatience, fretting, putting down your treatment or other unhelpful behaviors.
“Be the change” solutions:
Sometimes there’s a specific incident, grievance or behavior that has sparked increased anxiety about your eating disorder in another family member. It might be helpful to ask about this and discuss the worry. Providing literature that explains for families that eating disorder recovery takes time may help. If you know you’re working sincerely at your recovery and doing the best you can, you may have to let family worriers manage their own anxieties. (That’s also practicing good boundaries!)
Problem 5: Covering up conflict
So long as families are made up of individuals with different opinions and needs, disagreements are bound to come up. Some families don’t know how to do conflict and/or resolve it. Eating disorder symptoms can often be a way to cover over conflict.
“Be the change” solutions:
If you speak up clearly and directly about a disagreement, there’s no hidden conflict anymore! Of course, you can’t guarantee your courage and openness will get other family members to respond the same way. But in many cases, it just takes one person to get the ball rolling. The more you focus on your own feelings and views and avoid attacks or insults about the other, the more likely this is to happen.
Remember: anytime you step outside your family’s familiar way of doing things, other family members can become confused and upset. Their first reflex may be to try to get you back in line with old familiar ways. It’s usual for families to need time to catch up when one member makes positive changes. But most families eventually adjust.
