The following made–up examples represent experiences I regularly encounter in my practice in which people have gotten stuck in their eating disorder recovery:
Sally is forever intending to get started with healthy exercise, but somehow she never gets there. Even when she has the opportunity, the temperature seems too hot (or too cold), she’s afraid she’s coming down with something, or she needs all her time to prepare for an upcoming presentation. In the end, Sally decides she’s just lazy.
Tracy’s therapist keeps encouraging her to focus on what’s happening before she binges, hoping to help Tracy identify binge triggers. Tracy consistently responds: “It’s just that I don’t have any willpower.”
Madeleine has been working on recovery from her bulimia for over a year. Every time she’s had a month or so of healthy eating with no bingeing or purging, she relapses. She’s so discouraged, she feels it will be this way forever.
Maybe you’ve had an experience similar to Sally, Tracy or Madeleine. There’s a next step you’ve been trying to take, a goal you’ve been trying to reach, a new approach you’ve been meaning to practice, but somehow it never happens. You know you should, that it would make things better if you did, but knowing that doesn’t make any difference. Which only makes you feel worse. You’re already in despair about changing. Now add to it the toxic conclusions you draw about yourself as a result of being stuck: I’m lazy, I’m stupid, I’m just self–destructive and so on.
Before you decide that you are suffering from a defect of character, consider another way of understanding what’s happening. In each instance, if you’re willing to tap below the surface, you’ll find what we might call an “objecting part.”
We’re all familiar with having more than one feeling about something; for instance, part of me loves the change of seasons here in New York, while another part thinks I could really get used to year–round warm weather. Part of me believes every word you say, while another part suspects you’re not telling everything you know. Each “part” represents a different state of mind about the same subject.
Let’s take this familiar experience to a situation where our thoughts say one thing—I should do X—but our behavior “says” the opposite, that is, we fail to do X. Imagine that the failure to act represents a part with the point of view that I absolutely shouldn’t do X, not a good idea. Let’s make the desired action a recovery–related behavior, like adding healthy exercise or working to identify binge triggers. Now imagine that instead of calling yourself disparaging names (like lazy or stupid), you get curious about why a part of you might object to moving in an obviously useful direction. An “objecting part” believes or fears that the “obviously useful” direction will not make things better for you but will actually make things worse.
That sounds really weird, doesn’t it? But stay with me. Let’s see what comes up when we apply this line of thinking to each of our example people:
Sally, who just can’t get around to healthy exercise, is asked to think about why she might have a part that objects to it. What could be better, not worse, if she went ahead? Sally realizes she is afraid of her own perfectionistic standards. If she gets started, nothing short of Olympian efforts will do. She’s burnt out before she’s even started! Recognizing this allows Sally to work with the objecting part’s concerns, which she has to admit are legitimate. Her exercise routine becomes another opportunity for Sally to practice moderation instead of extremes. Her objecting part is satisfied and gets out of her way.
Tracy is the one who believes her binges are all about lack of willpower. Her therapist asks her what the worst thing might be that could happen if she thinks of her binges as a reaction to something, not just evidence of no willpower. Tracy becomes aware that she’s terrified of falling into an abyss of overwhelming emotions if she starts connecting to what’s triggering her binges. Better to think of herself as weak–willed! Armed with this insight, Tracy and her therapist work together to help her develop skills for managing her emotions so they no longer feel too threatening to explore.
Madeleine, who is stuck in a pattern of getting better and relapsing, is in an eating disorder group. The group has always assured her that her slips are a normal part of recovery. However when they try to help her discover triggers for the latest episode, Madeleine usually comes up empty. Finally the group leader asks Madeleine to imagine what might be bad about continuing with her healthy eating patterns with fewer and fewer slips. Madeleine surprises even herself by blurting out that if people no longer see her as “sick,” they will expect more and more of her and she’s afraid she won’t be able to live up to it. The group begins to focus on supporting Madeleine in prizing her own needs and recovery over other people’s expectations. The cycle of regular relapsing begins to fade.
In each situation, getting curious about the concerns of an “objecting part” opens up an important aspect of experience that hasn’t been taken into account: Sally’s expectation of being tyrannized by her own perfectionistic standards, Tracy’s fear of being overwhelmed by her emotions, Madeleine’s dread that she’ll be crushed by other’s expectations. Once these concernsare aired, it’s possible to make a plan to address them, one that allows you to resume working toward your goal with the obstacle out of your way.
Can you find examples in your own recovery where it might be useful to listen to an “objecting part”? “Listening” includes paying respectful attention to any negative thoughts, emotions or body sensations that come up when you think of a particular recovery goal, an area of exploration in your treatment, or just about getting better in general. Here are some common concerns or fears of objecting parts:
- Being overwhelmed by emotion
- Disappointing others
- Having more expected of you than you feel you can do or wish to do
- Losing support or help
- Losing important relationships that seem to depend on your being “sick”
- Having to grow up without feeling ready
- Making others angry
- Being exposed as inadequate
- Having shameful feelings exposed
- Feeling too alone if you get better
