In Eating Disorders for Dummies, I describe ways families can help or hinder eating disorder recovery. When families get stuck in behavior that hinders recovery, I call that a “recovery trap” (EDFD, p. 319). One extremely common recovery trap is for family members to comment on the weight or eating behavior of the person with the eating disorder. This includes both negative and positive comments—anything that makes your body or eating patterns the focus.
There are many reasons families get stuck in recovery traps. For example, a family member might:
- Feel helpless and frustrated about your disorder
- Be convinced that their observations or advice will help you
- Feel negligent if they aren’t trying to offer you guidance and feedback
- Feel rejected or unneeded if they aren’t included in your recovery decisions
- Be involved in a struggle with their own weight and eating problems
Whatever the reasons, the important thing for you is to:
- know you are entitled to set limits on comments that make it harder for you
- have some ideas about how to handle such comments
Knowing your right to set limits when family comments are unhelpful is an example of healthy personal boundaries. Even if family members mean well—and most often they do—that doesn’t mean what they say will be helpful to you. And you don’t have to endure it just because their hearts are in the right place. How you feel is just as important!
There are lots of reasons your family’s comments can be a problem for recovery. It can reinforce the idea that you are valued for your weight and appearance. It can feel intrusive. It can undermine your efforts to take responsibility for eating in a healthy way. What matters here is that you have the right to say “Stop!”
Exceptions (!): This entitlement does not apply when your family is addressing self–starvation that may be endangering your health or when your symptoms trample on other peoples’ rights (for example, stealing food, failing to clean up after purging, taking other people’s share and so forth).
Assuming that your goal is to have the best possible relationship with your family while also protecting your recovery, here are some ideas about how to respond to unwanted, unhelpful comments:
- Explain how the comments affect you: Sometimes family members, caught up in their own emotions or point of view, simply haven’t thought of the effects their comments might have on you. It’s always helpful to me when people tell me if something I say has unintended negative effects on them.
- Devise a boundary mantra: Think of a simple word or phrase you can use to stop a boundary violation. For instance: “Taboo topic!” “Subject closed!” or “Out of bounds!” Your mantra can stand for and reinforce a limit you’ve previously set about unwanted comments.
- Put the focus back on the commenter: “Gee, Dad, I wonder what makes you keep talking about my weight when I’ve asked you so many times not to?”
- Change the subject: Like moms all over the world, my mom used to say, “Let’s talk about the weather” when a conversation was headed in a dicey direction. You can be subtle, playful, insistent, creative, clichéd, mysterious…To paraphrase Paul Simon, there are fifty ways to leave the subject.
- Disengage: When all else fails, get or stay out of the conversation altogether Leave the room, hang up the phone, don’t return the email. To prevent this from being hostile, make sure to explain ahead of time what you intend to do and why. You can make it clear you aren’t trying to punish the commenter nor are you lashing out in the heat of the moment. You’re only setting a limit necessary to your recovery. For example: “If you find it’s too hard not to make those comments, or you forget, I’m going to have to end the conversation by walking away. This is something I need to do to take care of myself.”
The key with all of these suggestions is for you to take charge of enforcing healthy limits on family commentary. This is empowering for you and short–circuits a hurtful pattern of interaction with your family.
