In Eating Disorders for Dummies, I describe ways families can help or hinder eating disorder recovery. When families get stuck in behavior that hinders recovery, I call that a “recovery trap” (EDFD, p. 319). One extremely common recovery trap is for family members to comment on the weight or eating behavior of the person with the eating disorder. This includes both negative and positive comments—anything that makes your body or eating patterns the focus.

There are many reasons families get stuck in recovery traps. For example, a family member might:

• Feel helpless and frustrated about your disorder
• Be convinced that their observations or advice will help you
• Feel negligent if they aren’t trying to offer you guidance and feedback
• Feel rejected or unneeded if they aren’t included in your recovery decisions
• Be involved in a struggle with their own weight and eating problems

Whatever the reasons, the important thing for you is to:

1. know you are entitled to set limits on comments that make it harder for you
2. have some ideas about how to handle such comments

Knowing your right to set limits when family comments are unhelpful is an example of healthy personal boundaries. Even if family members mean well—and most often they do—that doesn’t mean what they say will be helpful to you. And you don’t have to endure it just because their hearts are in the right place. How you feel is just as important!

There are lots of reasons your family’s comments can be a problem for recovery. It can reinforce the idea that you are valued for your weight and appearance. It can feel intrusive. It can undermine your efforts to take responsibility for eating in a healthy way. What matters here is that you have the right to say “Stop!”

Exceptions (!): This entitlement does not apply when your family is addressing self–starvation that may be endangering your health or when your symptoms trample on other peoples’ rights (for example, stealing food, failing to clean up after purging, taking other people’s share and so forth).

Assuming that your goal is to have the best possible relationship with your family while also protecting your recovery, here are some ideas about how to respond to unwanted, unhelpful comments:

• Explain how the comments affect you: Sometimes family members, caught up in their own emotions or point of view, simply haven’t thought of the effects their comments might have on you. It’s always helpful to me when people tell me if something I say has unintended negative effects on them.
• Devise a boundary mantra: Think of a simple word or phrase you can use to stop a boundary violation. For instance: “Taboo topic!” “Subject closed!” or  “Out of bounds!” Your mantra can stand for and reinforce a limit you’ve previously set about unwanted comments.
• Put the focus back on the commenter: “Gee, Dad, I wonder what makes you keep talking about my weight when I’ve asked you so many times not to?”
• Change the subject:  Like moms all over the world, my mom used to say, “Let’s talk about the weather” when a conversation was headed in a dicey direction. You can be subtle, playful, insistent, creative, clichéd, mysterious…To paraphrase Paul Simon, there are fifty ways to leave the subject.
• Disengage: When all else fails, get or stay out of the conversation altogether Leave the room, hang up the phone, don’t return the email. To prevent this from being hostile, make sure to explain ahead of time what you intend to do and why. You can make it clear you aren’t trying to punish the commenter nor are you lashing out in the heat of the moment.  You’re only setting a limit necessary to your recovery. For example: “If you find it’s too hard not to make those comments, or you forget, I’m going to have to end the conversation by walking away. This is something I need to do to take care of myself.”

The key with all of these suggestions is for you to take charge of enforcing healthy limits on family commentary. This is empowering for you and short–circuits a hurtful pattern of interaction with your family.

The holidays are here! There can be lots to look forward to. But there are also many potential snares to the season that can spoil your good time and make you long for January 2nd. People with eating disorders can be especially vulnerable, and not just because of all that fabulous food. Before you decide to just give up and go into hibernation for the season, I offer these recovery–friendly strategies for the five most common seasonal pitfalls.

1. Exposure to Triggering Foods and Alcohol

Did you know humans are hard–wired to respond to great–looking or novel food with an increase in appetite? If you have an eating disorder, your desire for food has become a battleground of will over nature. You imagine your very worth is determined by your ability to exert control over impulses to eat. The holiday table can ratchet up day–to–day struggles for control to another level. Add alcohol—famous for lowering inhibitions—and food urges can roll right over will. Here are some ways to face the challenge head–on so you don’t have to hide until the New Year:

• Plan ahead Trying to strategize in the heat of the moment is too hard for most of us. Make some decisions ahead of time about how you want to handle food and alcohol at a holiday event. For example, you might decide to take one pass at the goodies and then turn your attention elsewhere. If you’re working with a therapist or nutritionist, ask them to help you with your plan, including any landmines that could throw you off course.
• Visualize Picture yourself carrying out your plan, including managing pitfalls. Repeat, with corrections, until you can imagine all of it comfortably. This kind of rehearsal can really ramp up your chances of success.
• Avoid the temptation to diet! Dieting, a questionable practice at best, is a predictable trigger for eating disordered behavior, thinking and feelings. If your plan is to skip meals the day of the party, fast away a few pounds between events, or start the Lettuce Diet on January 1st, you’re setting in motion a vicious cycle that’s bound to land you in eating disorder territory.

2. Family Gatherings

Family gatherings can be all about showing the love. But, too often, old wounds, rivalries or tensions surface right along with the eggnog. Did you learn to cope by turning to eating disorder behaviors? Do your ED symptoms offer you distraction? Soothing? Relief? Self–punishment? Secret revenge? You probably can’t resolve all the old family fault lines or stop Aunt Cora from commenting on your weight before the next get–together. However, you can use family landmines as opportunities to practice healthy recovery skills. You can:

• Stay aware Paying attention to what you’re feeling gives you the chance to choose how you respond to others rather than acting on impulse or out of old, engrained patterns. If you stay tuned in to what you’re feeling and why, you’re less likely to suddenly find yourself engaging in eating disordered behavior to cope.
• Set limits People with eating disorders often having difficulty believing their own needs, feelings or rights matter. It’s hard to say “no” or “enough” when others intrude or push you in a direction you don’t want to go. Rather than tolerate the potential conflict, you restrict, binge or purge. This holiday, zero in on a predictable intrusion: Mom always insists you have two pieces of her pumpkin pie, your brother regularly chooses a moment of group silence to ask about your love life, or cousin Pete wonders if you’ve put on a few pounds. Now, pick a small limit–setting goal. Practice ahead what you’d like to do or say. Make sure your practice includes being able to reassure yourself inside if the other person is ruffled by your show of self–confidence.
• Manage conflict In ED recovery you may be learning how to stay in conflict until you can arrive at a healthy resolution. But your family holiday gathering may not be the place for this particular practice. Just because your sister is determined to duke it out, you have every right to defer the conversation to a more suitable time. Neither do you need to be drawn in to other people’s disputes, even if that’s what your family expects of you. For the petty stuff that doesn’t call for a day in court, there’s always the option of diversion (“How ’bout those Mets??”)

3. Holiday Parties

Distress for party–goers with eating disorders usually focuses on personal appearance and/or socializing. Self–doubt related to either may lead you to avoid parties altogether or to turn to eating disordered behaviors to cope. Here are some healthier, happier ways to manage:

• Take a different stance with your appearance When you take a too–­critical eye to your body, you are likely to end up with an obsessive focus on what  you find wrong—which in turn kills any potential fun you might have at a social gathering. Starting well before the big event, commit to focusing instead on things you do like about yourself and your appearance. Do you have great hair? Strong arms? Are you a good story–teller? An insightful listener? You need a list and you need to return to it every time you find yourself fretting about your appearance—before, during and after the party.
• Soothe yourself when you socialize Fears about making small talk, meeting strangers, being focused on, being excluded or rejected can all create party–going nightmares. This isn’t exclusive to people with eating disorders, of course. It’s just that if you have one, you’re more likely to turn to your symptoms to help you through. Instead, start by using that list of positive qualities in yourself (see above) to boost your confidence. Enter the event focusing on examples of you comfortably enjoying yourself with others (Your best friend? Your sister? A co–worker?)  Ask your hostess to help make introductions. And, remember, you don’t have to have Dorothy Parker’s wit to start a conversation. Most people are at least a little uncomfortable at these events and will be grateful if you make an effort, or respond to theirs.

4. Loneliness and Disappointment

The holidays often just shine a harsher light on chronic loneliness. The season can generate expectations that dissolve into disappointment (the friends or family that didn’t come through, the New Year’s Eve date that didn’t materialize, the magic that seemed to visit everyone but you).  Loneliness and disappointment are difficult feelings for anyone to manage. If you have an eating disorder, almost by definition, you have difficulty managing uncomfortable emotions. Here are a few practices to help ydeal:

• Review your assumptions Be skeptical if you’re tempted to believe loneliness or isolation mean you’re unlovable. They’re more likely to mean you’ve been too scared to connect significantly—something you can work on!
• Reach out Do something pro–active and constructive. It’s likely to shift your emotional state. Host a potluck for other friends and acquaintances whose holiday plans are meager. Volunteer. Take a small holiday offering to your neighbors. Join a choir or small theatre group. There’s a world of other humans out there ready to embrace your efforts.
• Be willing to learn how to comfort and soothe yourself . . . even if part of you is screaming you’re entitled to have somebody else do the job. Remember, it has nothing to do with entitlement; you’re entitled to feel better!!

5. Perfectionism

If you have an eating disorder, you are likely to believe that when your efforts—weight­­–related and otherwise—fall short of the mark, you are a failure and therefore worthless. The holidays can crank perfectionistic expectations of yourself up to full throttle: you must buy the perfect gift, wrap it perfectly, throw the perfect party, make the perfect dessert, and so on endlessly. What should be a time of joy becomes a series of joyless tests. Failing marks spoil your enjoyment, undermine your self–worth—and trigger eating disorder symptoms. Here are some things you can do to help tame your perfectionistic monster:

• Change your frame of reference How would you judge a loved friend if she or he had the same experience you’re judging so harshly in yourself? What would that friend say to you about your supposed failure? Would she or he think less of you?
• Find models to emulate If you’re going to compare yourself to others, choose people you admire who aren’t so hard on themselves for being imperfect. Take notes! Here’s an instance where copying is a great idea.
• Cultivate self–acceptance You may not be able to stop those self–critical thoughts from popping up. But you can make a choice to send them packing when they do! This is a great practice to work on. It recognizes the truth that imperfection doesn’t make you worthless, just human.

All of the strategies I’ve just suggested actually represent recovery skills you need year–round. By practicing them now, you’ll not only make the current season brighter, you’ll be building your resilience for the challenges of the coming year. Happy Holidays!