This is the second guest posting for Beth Weinstock, PhD  and Jane Shure, PhD, LCSW on Wise Words for Recovery. (Check out their earlier post, “Body Image and Self Esteem,” 8/2/2009). And be sure to read about Beth and Jane’s upcoming workshop, “Quiet Your Inner Critic and Calm Your Anxious Mind,” at the end of this post.

The Power of Shame

• Do you ever leave a conversation criticizing yourself for having sounded stupid?
• Do you tend to feel guilty for things you know are not really your fault?
• Do you sometimes feel too embarrassed to go to meetings or parties?
• Do you secretly believe that you have a fatal flaw that will prevent you from having the life you want?

If you answer yes to these questions you may be experiencing shame.

What is shame?

Shame is a mighty force. It is that feeling of being inherently flawed, damaged and defective; it keeps us prisoners of self-doubt, dampens our spontaneity, and drains our life energy. It has many faces with different voices, but they all say that what we present to the world is a lie, that we are a fraud, that we won’t amount to much, and that we should keep ourselves hidden. Shame can be like a virus that we carry under our skin, dormant some times and activated when our stress levels are high. 




Where does shame come from?

Shame comes from several sources. In the normal course of development children experience shame. Learning to walk, read, write, and reach other developmental milestones, requires trials and errors. How parents respond to these challenges can minimize shame or increase its power. Any form of difference that sets us apart from the mainstream (physical disability, sexual orientation, adoption, to name a few) may also cause feelings of shame. In addition, our culture induces shame by selling us images of how we should be richer, thinner, younger, and, in general, different from how we are naturally.

How Does Shame Appear?

Shame has a physical form. It manifests in blushing, sweating, dry mouth, a lowered gaze, sweating palms, collapsing shoulders, nausea and a racing heart. Shame appears in the voice of an internal judge criticizing everything we do. It causes us to feel like an imposter telling us that no matter how accomplished we may be we are only fooling others. Shame is also woven into self-destructive actions like drug and alcohol abuse, eating disorders, cutting, hurtful relationships, or in sabotaging oneself at workplace. 



While shame is a powerful force, it can be managed and its impact diminished. Here are some ideas to guide you on your journey to minimize the power of shame in your life.

Tips for reducing shame:

1. Know that you are not the only one: Many people struggle to be free of     shame. It’s a hard process, but with patience you can diminish shame’s force and be free of its oppression.
2. Awareness is the first step in any change process. Get good at identifying the feeling of shame and notice when it appears.
3. Compassion is the antidote to shame. Work on developing and practicing a compassionate voice that is non-judgmental, understands you and your story, and can be kind and encouraging. This voice allows you to be human with all the quirks and wounds and imperfections that make us human.
4. Explore the origins of your shame. Was it from a critical family? Something that had you feel different than others like a learning disability? Understand how messages from your younger years got internalized. These are the messages that your compassionate new voice needs to counteract.
5. Notice how current behaviors may reinforce your shame. Do you do self-destructive things that shame you? Do you then say to yourself, “see…that proves I’m worthless”? Plan how you can begin to give up these behaviors and replace them with more self- supportive ones.
6. Become a good self coach. Learn to focus on your attributes. You can learn to identify with your strengths, gifts and talents. You are larger than the wounds you carry.
7. Surround yourself with people who treat you well and stay away from people who cause you to feel bad about yourself.
8. Find someone who feels safe to tell about your reading this newsletter and share your struggle with shame. When we talk to people we trust, rather than keep ourselves quiet and separate, we begin to heal.
9. Seek professional help with qualified providers who can help you move through these steps and guide you through the difficult process of letting go of shame.
10. Educate yourself about shame. Here are some books we recommend:

• Healing the Shame that Binds You: John Bradshaw
• Letting Go of Shame: Ronald and Patricia Potter Efron
• Facing Shame: Families in Recovery: Merle Fossom and Marilyn Mason

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Now you can work with Beth and Jane in person!

These two accomplished presenters will be offering their workshop, “Quiet Your Inner Critic and Calm Your Anxious Mind,” Oct 23—25, 2009 at Kripalu Center, Stockbridge, MA. Get the details, including how you can register, at their website  selfmatters.org or at Kripalu.org .

Most of you are working on learning better ways to handle distress than turning to your eating disorder. This is an excellent project! Your success with it will go far to help you build a solid recovery.

Many people—with or without eating disorders—turn first to distraction as a way to manage difficult feelings. By distraction I mean diverting your focus from the upsetting thing to something unrelated, to get your mind off the upset. You’ve probably figured out that your eating disorder has been an unhealthy version of distraction. But maybe you’ve also found that listening to music, gardening, going to the movies or laughing with a friend can be healthy distractions.

I personally like distraction as a coping mechanism. I wouldn’t want to face life without it as an option. I find it can be a helpful choice when:

• I need to quiet down so I can consider a problem or upset more calmly and clearly
• I’ve worn out the usefulness of thinking about a problem for the time being
• There’s nothing I can do about a problem or upset

Several potential drawbacks go hand–in–hand with using even healthy distractions to cope, however. Most of these have to do with misuse or overuse.

The most common misuse of distraction comes from confusing it with an actual solution. Distraction at its best is only intended to provide a temporary resting place when you need a break from focusing on resolving your distress. When your distress is too intense or you’ve focused too long, a break is a good idea. Bur when you use distraction as a substitute for working out a problem or coming to terms with distress, you run into trouble. It’s the “ostrich with its head in the sand.” You not only fail to resolve anything, you build a reputation with yourself as someone who can’t handle difficult experiences. The next time something hard comes up, you haven’t developed any confidence in yourself. So you’ll be more likely to turn to distraction as a substitute. It’s a vicious cycle.

Overuse of distraction is likely to occur when you don’t have sufficient alternatives for coping with your distress. When you turn to another focus, you don’t come back. You may tend to get lost in your distraction activities. You start to play video games, surf the net or read a novel and suddenly the whole day is gone. Many addictive activities start out in exactly this way.

There are two coping challenges for which you need more and better coping tools than distraction. The first is problem solving. The second is managing difficult emotions.
Let’s consider some alternatives to distraction for times when either challenge is threatening to overwhelm you.

Problem Solving

Everybody runs into problems that seem overwhelming from the start or bog us down and frustrate us as we try to find resolution. You might try one or more of the following techniques which successful problem solvers use to see themselves through to the end:

• “Talking yourself through” confusion, uncertainty and frustration; for example, offering yourself reassurance or a steadying voice: You can do this or You’ll be okay or Just stay with it.

• Reminding yourself of times when you successfully handled other difficulties that at first seemed overwhelming

• Breaking the problem down into small, more manageable pieces

• Asking for help

Managing Difficult Emotions

There are many approaches to managing difficult emotions. All of them have something to offer as you work on developing this basic life skill. The important thing is that you find approaches that suit you—and that you use them! Here are a few examples:

• Dealing with only small doses of feelings at any given time

• Thinking of soothing, comforting responses

• Imagining yourself in a peaceful place or with a comforting person while you feel the feelings

• Learning to sort out and correct distorted thoughts that are making you feel even worse, such as Nothing ever goes my way; I’m such a loser; Nobody will ever love me, and so forth
.
• Engaging in mindfulness meditation in which you learn to observe your feelings rather than be totally in them

• Praying (if this fits with your beliefs)

• Walking, exercising or practicing yoga while experiencing the feelings

• Sharing your feelings with people who are sympathetic and calming

Remember that none of these techniques is likely to provide instant relief. But your effectiveness in using them will get better with practice. And as you get better, you’ll have more confidence in yourself. You’ll be able and willing to take on more in life.